Killing Chivalry

When my current boyfriend and I first started dating, I remember very distinctly the first time he tried to pull out a chair for me. I just assumed he was pulling that chair out for himself, and so I walked to the other side of the table and sat down. He looked at me, a little surprised and said, "Oh, I was pulling this out for you..." I looked at him, a little surprised myself and said, "Oh, sorry, I didn't even realize that you might do that. Thanks, but I don't need you to pull out a chair for me." It was a fairly awkward moment, and one that I probably brought on myself by breaking my cardinal rule with him (always mention the f-word, feminism, on your first date) but it's a moment that I will never forget. Even though a year has passed, and I am still dating that boy, I am not sure he really understands why I don't want him to pull out chairs for me. He was raised to be a "gentleman." The only problem with that is then I would have to be a "lady."

Now I'm not one to scowl and grumble at a man when he opens a door for me, but honestly, I would only view that gesture as polite were it not based on my gender. Chivalry is not something I desire, because it promotes sexism. As a woman who desires equality, I have to acknowledge that means kissing chivalry goodbye. And I for one am happy to do it.

We cannot expect to be viewed as equals economically, politically, and socially, only to expect doors opened for us and chairs pulled out for us. We're setting up our own double standard that keeps us unequal. It comes down to this: we need to choose between being viewed as princesses and being viewed as people. I know it can feel nice to be treated like a princess because it makes you feel special, it makes you feel important. But honestly, is that as fulfilling as being viewed as a person? Maybe you get a brief satisfaction from being placed on a pedestal. The problem with being put on a pedestal is you can't come down. You can't expect special treatment but then want a man to view you as his equal.

There is a difference between admiration and respect. I would much rather my boyfriend respect me than admire me. I would much rather have my views acknowledged as equal opinion than to have every date paid for. When you are placing expectations on a man because he is a man, you are acknowledging that the two of you have different roles in a relationship. That's not to say that we need to force equality, counting out every dime that a man spends and making sure we match it. Honestly, it's about give and take. I just think it's a better plan to either switch off or just have whoever has more money pay than to expect a man to always pick up the check.

When I hear a woman complain that a man didn't open the door, or that a man didn't offer to pay for the date, I have to wonder how these women expect equality in all spheres of life if they don't even want equality in dating. We have to kill chivalry if we want equality to stay alive.

Here are some brief ways to kill chivalry:

1. Open a door for a man. I often do this and I get odd looks, but most of them will at least mutter a thank you and walk through the door. This establishes that as a woman I am fully capable of being as polite as a man is, and that I do not need special treatment.
2. Offer to pay for dates, or split the cost. I think splitting can get sort of tricky and it's easier to just switch off. Honestly, my boyfriend pays for most dates, but I pay for some and we don't go out very often, because we're both poor college students. When I have money I always try to offer, and I always pay if I was the one who suggested the date. I don't want him thinking he needs to provide for me.
3. Pull out a chair for a man. I did this once, it didn't go over very well. But I got a nice laugh out of it and I will fondly remember the look on that boy's face for the rest of my life.

So go out and break up some gender roles. Punch stereotypes in the face. We are not damsels in distress and we don't need special treatment. If our actions command equal treatment, then chivalry will slowly give way to something so much better and more fulfilling: true respect.