Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Ruined Woman

Have you ever heard the story of the "ruined man?" You know, the man who had sex before marriage and then had nothing to offer his wife on their wedding night? Yeah...I haven't heard that story either. Because it isn't being told. Why then is the story of the "ruined woman" being shoved down young women's throats? Why are they being told that if they have sex they will have nothing left? Especially when that is simply not true at all. It is a myth being told by society in order to maintain the sexual double standard in our society. I recently read The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti, which covers this topic in great detail. Valenti suggests that the purity myth in our society is a major problem that is harmful to women.

The idea of virginity in our society is both illogical and dangerous for three major reasons in my mind. First, it perpetuates a very degrading double standard of sexuality among men and women. Second, it is perpetuated by abstinence only education groups that promote misinforming our youth. Third, virginity in it of itself is an idea which has no true meaning.

There is a horrible double standard on virginity among the genders. Men who are not virgins are not perceived as anything negative. Women, however, are either virgins or whores. The "purity myth" (Valenti's term, coined to describe the theory that women must maintain virginity or cannot be pure) harms women by making them believe that there is no place for responsible sexual expression in women, and that it is their job to keep sexual activity out of a relationship. I for one am fed up with the old girls-keep-your-legs-crossed-but-boys-will-be-boys idea. Women are every bit as sexual as men, and both are responsible for the choice to have sex or to abstain. And should women choose to engage in responsible, reasonable sexual expression, they should not have to suffer unfair and outdated stereotypes about their lifestyle. A woman is not "ruined" if she has sex. What about rape victims? The purity myth damages victims of forced sex. After all, do they have nothing to offer, even though they never had the choice about giving it away? And the "ruined woman" bit is cruel to women in general. That idea leads to the thought that a woman's only purpose on this earth is to give her virginity to her husband. Who cares if she has a wonderful, sparkling personality? If she is the most loyal woman on earth? If she would make the most perfect partner and mother? If she has had sex, all of that is invalid, because she clearly has nothing left to offer, according to the purity myth. It doesn't matter if she's had sex with one person or one hundred people, if she is not a virgin, she is somehow considered impure.

Abstinence-only education thrives off of this purity myth. Valenti tracked down several examples of the way they demonstrate the idea of sex making a girl impure. Among these were "Miss Tape," a piece of tape stuck on the arm of a boy, then ripped off (the break-up), leaving Miss Tape dirty and unable to stick to anything. So not only does sex make you dirty, but it also leave you unable to form another bond with a person. If you're a woman, of course; Mr. Tape doesn't exist. I was the unfortunate victim of an abstinence-only education group myself. The way they demonstrated it was showing a gift box with chocolate in it. They unwrapped the box and had all the boys stick their finger in and mash the chocolate. By the time it was around the room, that chocolate wasn't very appealing. Nobody would ever want that chocolate. So girls, better to not let the boys stick their fingers in your chocolate. You want your husband to be able to enjoy an untainted gift. It's sad that young women are being compared to tape and chocolate, and that they are being told that they are worthless if they choose to have sex. But that's not all that abstinence-only education groups do. They not only lie about something you can't prove--purity--but they also lie about facts. Though they are technically required to tell the truth, there is no system of checking on this, and Valenti found countless instances of such groups flat out lying about contraception. Some even told girls that birth control pills will kill them. I, personally, remember distinctly being told that condoms were only seventy percent effective against pregnancy (in actuality, they are 97 percent) and were more or less ineffective against STD's, particularly HIV (completely untrue). My school didn't even mention birth control pills or alternatives.

So abstinence only education is basically trying to frighten teenagers into not having sex with lies. But it doesn't work. Studies have shown that teenagers are no less likely to have sex (Though they state otherwise. And of course we should believe them, seeing how responsible they are with statistics about birth control). But of course, they are less likely to use protection. Why would you bother if you were taught that it doesn't work? I don't see why abstinence-only education is even realistically accepted at all. When the options are teach something about a topic or teach everything about a topic, why would you not want your children to learn more? Especially when it could protect them from STDs or unwanted pregnancy. But unfortunately, abstinence only education is thriving. And if it is going to thrive, fine, but we should at least implement a system to insure that our youth are not being lied to.

Lastly, the definition of virginity. What is it? There isn't one. Valenti struggled hard to find a medical professional who could provide her a real definition. She read articles, asked people....nothing. Because it means something different to everyone. The first time I went to the gynecologist, she asked me if I was sexually active. "No." I said. "You're a virgin?" She asked. "Um...yes..." I said. "Oh, like a full virgin?," She asked. "...what?" I answered. "Like a complete virgin?" Needless to say, that conversation went on for about ten minutes, because she wouldn't even tell me what she was asking. When does a person cease to be a virgin? Hymen? Well, obviously, the hymen is unrealistic as a basis, since it often gets stretched or even broken by itself over time and sometimes has to be surgically broken. Penetration? Penetration leaves out homosexuals, not to mention people who have engaged in oral sex. Any sexual activity? What does that even mean? Nobody can really pinpoint it. It's funny that we put so much emphasis on something which cannot even be defined.

In conclusion, the purity myth is extremely harmful to women for a number of reasons. And at the end of the day, purity doesn't really exist. Virginity doesn't really exist. And they are certainly not the only thing a woman is good for. Women and men are both sexual and should be allowed to make realistic, sexual choices. And everyone should read The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti.

2 comments:

  1. I blame Twilight, and it's message of....

    "Marry as early as you can, stalking = love, and the most important thing about you is your virginity. It's creating an entire generation of shy, demure, differential, domestic abuse victim waiting to happen." - Bob Chipman

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  2. Very interesting, I like this very much.

    I do have to say, I think "virginity" or however you want to say it - is a big deal the first time you are sexually active with another person. Maybe they don't have to be the one you are married to, or even plan on marrying, but I think it should still be someone extremely close and important to you. Being that close to someone is extremely emotional, even without the virgin-conditioning we receive growing up. While you're...in the act, that's the closest you can ever physically be to that person. And of course the idea of giving. When you give a present, it makes you feel good. But it also feels good to make them feel good.

    I highly agree with you on the idea that virginity is kind of bs, when it's men compared to women, but I also think it's a very important part of a person, as they grow and love.



    Wow. Didn't mean to go on like that. I guess you brought it out!!

    <3 Katie

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